Friday, October 31, 2008

HELP!!!! I'm a sidepiece....and I know it!


A Life Without Love

"Can't stop smiling, then I feel like crying. Laughter and heartache and we're all looking for something. Tears flow with no end, but then he makes me smile again. My joy and my pain, but I wouldn't trade it for nothing. Never thought it'd be this rough, but I never want to give it up. I don't wanna have a life without love"-Jazmine Sullivan

A life without love is mediocre at best. Not knowing love is the greatest injustice on earth, aside from knowing love and having it taken away from you without being able to do anything to stop it. As little girls we watch and read fairytales of beautiful princesses who are essentially the epitome of good. Something bad happens to them and their prince comes and saves them. That prince is EVERYTHING that they've ever dreamed of and they SAVE them. Yes darlings, despite what we say we ALL just want to be saved. So when we get older we begin to watch and read longer fairytales called romance novels and movies. We hold on to the fact that in the books/movies something TERRIBLE is gonna happen, and the girl(or princess) is gonna end up hurt, but by the end of the movie the man(or prince) comes up with the most romantic way to say "I'm sorry. I was wrong", and she cries, they kiss and hug, and they live happily ever after! THEN to add alcohol to the OPEN cut.......CARRIE AND MR. BIGG GET MARRIED...flatlines.....wakes up.....flatlines again.
Who the fuck are these twisted bastards that are TRYING to make us put up with stupid bullshit so that find that fairytale/Sex And The City ending? Who do you know ON EARTH that ended up with their Mr. BIGG....not one single solitary bitch! Sorry if the Bword offends you. This shit doesn't now you end up alone....
So what is a life without love??? Darkness. Complete and total darkness. The only light you see is the light you make yourself, and after a while that light is too dim to make you want to keep it going. A life without love is tiring...very tiring, because you're always looking, searching, expecting, hoping, wishing, planning, praying that its right around the corner....and at every corner you turn you still find....nothing.
So what's a girl to do??? Keep hoping. Keep pressing. Keep praying, because eventually something is bound to happen, and even if it doesn't its when you lose hope that the world becomes dark and cold. Now I don't claim to be a beacon of light and hope but I will say that I can't give up on a life with love. Why? Because I was made to love and if that hope dies in me, so will I. If the hope of my soul does perish, so do I. When the light of hope flickers and burns out, so do I. Because essentially I am love. I give love. I write love. I sing love. I hope for love. I do love. I receive love.
I want a love that stays up all night talking. A love that smiles when I walk in a room. A love that is honest at all times. A love that likes to play. A love that likes to laugh. A love that calls to say "Baby I was thinking about you, and I just want to say I love you"....and MEAN it. A love that won't take my generosity for granted. A love that appreciates the effort. A love that sends a text just because. A love that WANTS to get married. A love that is with me because of me, and not because of what I possess(sp). A love that talks to me deeper than any talk I've had before. A love that speaks to my soul causing an awakening that I didn't know I needed. A love that tears down the wall around my heart. A love that will dance in the Purple Rain with me. A love that loves my friends, but doesn't WANT them in the same way that he wants me. I want a love of a lifetime. A story to tell my grandkids kind of love. A love that will look at me in 50 years and still believe that I am the prettiest woman in the world. An old love. A love that transcends space and time. A love that traps you and won't let you go, because he never wants to let you go. A man to woman love. A grown up kind of love. An I was made for you type of love. A life changing love. A REAL LOVE.
So what's a life without love??? I hope to never know its sadness. I hope to never feel its chill. I hope to never understand its full meaning, because I am pressing for the love of a lifetime, and hoping that MY Mr. Bigg is pressing for me too! :-)


So I thought that I would be able to start blogging off on a happy note....not gonna happen.
Everyone who knows me, KNOWS I have been known to carry my share of creep bags(or big purses). It's no secret that I like sex. I like everything about sex. I think there's something about the illicitness of it all that makes it even better. I'm sure everyone can atest to the rush that you get when you jump in the shower, get yourself cleaned up, wash your areas, lol, and then get in the car to go wherever it is that person lives. The ride there is full of anxiety. You imagine what you're gonna do when you get there. What you're gonna talk about....if you decide to talk at all. Exactly how much of the business you're gonna give. How good you're gonna let the head be. All sorts of things go through your mind. It's exciting!!!! No one can say that it isn't. Just the thought of getting dick sends you ABSOLUTELY over the edge....*did I just write myself into a creepbag moment??? hmmm*
HOWEVER.....(should have known it was coming) what's the point in the end? Exactly what is it that you're doing it for? Essentially sex is only as good as the memory that contains it. After that you just have to keep creating new memories, because real talk there is NO WAY to maintain on one sexual memory. If you think about it the act of sex is AMAZING, especially when all parties involved do it right, but what is it that makes you go back????.....the MEMORY! Yes...the memory of sex it what keeps you going back over and over and over again. Driving miles and miles, waiting hours and hours to get a new memory. question is when is this not enough? When does the creep bag grow old? How long can you simply fuck and fall asleep(or go home)? When does the meaning of it all appear? What happens when feelings come??? AH HA!!!!*LIGHTBULB* Creeping is cool right until you catch ONE feeling...then its a wrap! You go from enjoying the experience to wanting the time. From liking the freedom to wanting to be tied down. From fucking and leaving to wanting to spend time. From going JUST to fuck to fucking just to be around them. You have fallen out of love with the creep honey! It's a natural progression....*I guess...hehe*
At this point the shit that you NEVER cared one little bit about begins to hurt your feelings. The girl that you KNEW he had goes from less than a thought to the thorn of your existence. The way that he used to fuck the shit out of you doesn't feel as good because now you want him to be intimate. You begin to hope that you fucking him just the way he likes, when he likes, how he likes, WHATEVER he likes(shout out to TI) will make him want you to be his main. You do everything in your power to make sure that he remembers all the things about you that you remember about him. You hope on top of hope that when its all said and done you're the one for him. **NEWSFLASH** IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!!!! *just breathe and take it in for a minute* It's never gonna happen that way honey. He'll keep finding a main, and you KEEP being his MAIN SIDEPIECE!!!! I mean sure he loves you in a special way, but not in THAT special way(it's all in the wording). He cares about you in a deep way(as in if you die he'd be really sad, but probably not cry), but he doesn't deeply care for you. He's probably, by this point, one of your best friends....sorry to break it to you but YOU ARE NOT HIS BEST FRIEND!!! You've created a world that makes you happy where you two exist as a couple in your "own special way", and you love him and you show it ALL the time. And you KNOOOOOW he loves you because "he called me today to come by and see me". This shit is NOT real! He doesn't love you, he loves your head and your pussy....end of story. that I've preached to myself I have to ask....when do you give up on this addiction(because that's really what it is)??? When do you rehab yourself? When do you become the priority to yourself? When does the past STOP effecting your present and your future? Maybe you two DID have something, but its over. When is enough actually enough? How many GIRLFRIENDS does he have to have, while you're still his homegirl? How many pictures do you have to see? When will your pussy let go of the dick that it loves so much?( just gotta fight that one..sorry :-S) What I'm saying is when will you move on???
Perfect example of how you need to break out while you're young enough to do it. I was recently sitting at *name extracted*'s house. My roommate and I were just up talking and she comes in FULLY dressed and ready to go....AT MIDNIGHT THIRTY!!!! Me being the borderline whore that I am I thought "I know where you're going, what you're about to do, how you're about to do it, and hey...get you some boo, cuz I JUST got mine". I laughed and SERIOUSLY thought it was funny right until I went home and to bed. Everyone knows that this blog is just giving me all the life I need right now, so I was thinking about what I would blog about when I got to work. While I was laying there I began to think....creepin has gone TOO FAR when you are past 40 and still doing it....WITH THE SAME PERSON. That's just too much!!!! After you've been with this person for over 30 years. You've had a child by him. He's had a child by your friend, and a string of girlfriends and you STILL think you have seniority the shit has OFFICIALLY gone TOO FUCKIN FAR!!!! How long can you creep??? If after a few years (if that long) NOTHING more comes out of it please believe that nothing will....sorry. Creepin will NOT, I repeat WILL NOT change your relationship/life. (Sidebar: As females we honestly believe that pussy will make a nigga do anything we want...and for the most part we're right, BUT if he don't want you the "BEST PUSSY IN THE WORLD" won't make him change his mind.)
LYRIC OF THE DAY: "They'll be good days and bad days sometime. Just don't let the bad days change your mind. Dig down deep in your heart and you'll see that the bad days don't change who we be"
.....BULLSHIT!!!! This lyric was OBVIOUSLY written by a man who was in control of the situation, but needed to spit something to his side chick to make her stay. Yea they'll always be good days and bad days, but shit....when you have to KEEP holding on to the OLD good days its time to keep it pushin!
So....after saying all of this I will say CREEPING IS GREAT.....if you do it right. Fortunately I have been blessed with friends who KNOW how to creep right, so I've learned well. Unfortunately I slipped up and began to creep with someone that I loved.....BIG FUCKIN MISTAKE. Now don't get my swagga twisted I gets mine.....often, but the boss between my legs still exhales when that one nigga sticks his Mr. in my Mrs. *sighs*, but seeing as how I WILL NOT creep for 30 years I guess the boss between my legs will have to take one for the home team.
So as I press to keep my creepbag clean, and my creepin in order I'll do you, and do you well!
Have fun!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Heartsongs of a Churchgirl #1

I made first blog! I'm EXTREMELY excited. I should warn all who read this that I am NOT doing this for anybody for me. I will be completely honest, and by honest I mean that I won't hold ANYTHING back. It's time for me to free up some mental space :-)
I was all ready and excited to write what I was feeling today, but its time for me to go home so I guess I'll truly start tomorrow.....or not. I have soooooooo much to say I don't even know where to start.
But until I you!