Almost Doesn't Count

Lyric of the Day:

Maybe you'll be sorry

Maybe you'll be cold

Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby

From the cruel cruel world

Almost convince me You're gonna stick around

But everybody knows

Almost doesn't count

So maybe I'll be here

Maybe I'll see ya 'round

That's the way it goes

Almost doesn't count

Brandy-Almost Doesn't Count

I'll just start by saying that almost does indeed NOT count!!!!

I'm in such a funk today. I didn't even know it was gonna come, and normally I can feel an attitude rising. I woke up this morning(late), and was in a good mood when I left for work. Then I get here and one of my co-workers has had her interview for the new position. Sidenote: the company is restructuring our department, and we ALL, except for TWO, re-apply. I'm not salty at the two that don't have to reapply, but I do wish I was in their position. So I've been pretty self assured about this job. I'm good at what I do...actually I'm pretty freakin awesome, but I'm guessing this doesn't matter to a company who is trying to save money. See I have NEVER almost been faithful to this company, my department, to the job that I've done, or to the effort I put forth. I give these people the BUSINESS in all that I do, and it doesn't take me long to do it, but I was ALMOST good enough to work here and get all the praise passed out. I am almost good enough for them want me to RE-APPLY for the job that I do EVERYDAY...to work on a website that IIIIIIIIIII built, and found ALL the information on....at $10,000 more than I make now. I'm QUITE pissed about this. Like seriously...I have to actually do a WHOLE interview for this job. I'm grateful that I have been fully submerged in the stuff that I've done, because that's what they're asking for, but the fact that a manager can trust me enough to make me the sole administrator, the only person to deal with company heads and the IT department on this matter NOW wants me to prove to them that I can do it. What the fuck?!?!?! Of course I can do it...I'm the only person who's done it since the BEGINNING 8 months ago. Nothing has fallen in the cracks, nothing has gone unnoticed, AND I've even implemented new ways to make the site run more effectively and efficiently. I'm mad.... >:-(

*sighs*

I hope I get my job back....$10,000 extra per year would be great!

This shit sucks....clearly almost doesn't count, and neither does complete.

Selah

HOPE

Quote of the Day:

With Life Come Hope

So....I was all set and ready to write a blog today going off about what I will not tolerate in 2009....then, I was sitting outside with two of my co-workers and one of them was going on and on about how good God had been despite everything she had been thru in 2008. What she was saying was genuinely moving. Then she said "Yea stuff happened that could've taken me out, but it didn't because I still have life, and with life come hope". I am not the most religious person I know....Tot is, lol....but this really did stir something up in me. I want so much out of life, that doesn't really amount to much at all. I want to be in a REAL relationship...yes I want a title, shoot me for saying that. I want someone to call mine, NOT someone who calls someone else theirs but wants to make sure I'm still around. I want to get my job back(my company is restructuring)....and in getting my job back I want the $10,000 raise that comes with it. I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to provide for myself, both needs and wants. I want to be independant. I want to not struggle. I want love...real, honest love. Not a form of love, or a kind of love. I want actual love. I want to have a boyfriend, and at least hope that he likes/loves me enough to be faithful to me(uh oh....Karma), and itroduce me to his family. I want to get married, and have the hope that he's a great man who sincerely loves only me...which makes faithfulness and trust easier. I want to have kids. I want people to stop looking to me for answers and look past the shell I've learned to live as. I want to be a priority...and not just to Nicka(I love you Neek). I want me and Nicka to get DIVORCED!!!!(not as friends, but as the hetero life parters that everyone has grouped us to be). I want my sister to be sincerely happy, and not take her frustrations out on everyone else. I want people to stop being such assholes to her(stupid bastards). I want her to find that ONE....AND GET SOME....LOTS OF IT! I want to smile because life looks good, and not because you said something that will make me smile....until you INEVITABLY hurt my feelings again. I want a better relationship with God(uhhhh...just gotta do it). I want to not be afraid to be a woman. I want to be able to STOP having to man up all the time. I want to be emotional and not be afraid that you'll leave me because of it. I want to not be the best kept secret.....let me say that again....I WANT TO NOT BE THE BEST KEPT SECRET!!! I want all of the happiness that I have for others when good things happen to be reciprocated to me.....because something good happened. I want to not be ashamed of what I do, because it doesn't meet the IMPOSSIBLY high standards you've set....ONLY FOR ME! I want to be forgiven, and not the kind of forgiveness where I can still feel your hurt and anger towards me. I want to COMPLETELY forgive myself. I want to be someone's woman, friend, lover, and love. I want to write this book that everyone keeps going on and on about(I have no idea what it should be about). I want to stop being everyone's last resort. I want to stop being everyone's resting place. I want to stop being everyone's comfort zone. I want the people who see me as such to see me as more. I want to understand HOW I can be the person for you to rest with, but NOT the person for you to be with(please wake the fuck up and go home to your old girlfriend and her child! Sit on her sofa, slob on her pillow, talk to her momma, and give all of these explanations you're giving me, because I DON'T need them...whew!). I want to believe I'm gonna live a loooooong and fruitful life. I want more to live off of than hope. I want at least a few of my prayers answered(but that's in God's time....*faints*). I want to be what someone has been looking for all along. I want to NEVER hear again "I didn't mean to start liking you"....shit ain't been good since that day. I want it to NOT all be in my head. I want to be strong enough to walk away. I want people to look at me and say "I'm happy for her...she really deserves that". I want everyone to understand that I WANT THINGS TOO...and please don't try to make me believe that I shouldn't.

It seems like I'm constantly giving to make other people happy. I do this, because I honestly like to see people happy, and when you care about someone that's just what you do(in my book)...but I'm tired, completely worn out! :(

I say all of that to say I wanted to come in here today and write about how I wanted certain people to just leave me alone, and how I wanted people to stop dealing with me when its convenient for them, and lots of other things....but *lightbulb* WITH LIFE COMES HOPE, and today I am hopeful. I am hopeful that God see's my heart and honors it. I'm hoping that what he has for me is VERY VERY close. I'm hopeful that when I get it, I appreciate it in such an extreme way that HE knows that I can handle everything else he has in store.

I'm looking forward to the future, because I know good things are coming...and on top of all of that I'M ALIVE SO I CAN HAVE HOPE! :)

Yet pressing for better!

New Years Eve!!!! Yay 2008!

I'm Gonna Make A Change,

For Once In My Life

It's Gonna Feel Real Good,

Gonna Make A Difference

Gonna Make It Right . . .

I'm Starting With The Man InThe Mirror

I'm Asking Him To ChangeHis Ways

And No Message Could HaveBeen Any Clearer

If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place

Take A Look At Yourself, AndThen Make A Change

Michael Jackson- Man in the Mirror

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Enjoy ALL of my random moments…and not look for anyone else to complete me

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Probably not. I actually stopped making them for the simple fact that I don’t think about them after about a week….or less.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yep….2 of my cousins gave birth this year. Yay Leshia and Brent!!!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yep. My Uncle Richard….RIP dude

5. What countries did you visit?

None…I was soooooooooo Ga centered this year!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A real relationship. I’m at the point now where I want to just chill out with someone who’s consistently there, and wants to be around me as much, or more than I want to be around them. I want to actually like a whole person, and not just bits and pieces of anyone that is not him. Selah

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?No specific date that I can recall….Nicka’s bday was bunches and bunches of fun though!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Making it out with my sanity still in tact. Screw you pal…that’s a major accomplishment…ask Katt Williams.
…..and winning almost EVERY TIME!!! I ROCK!!!

9. What was your biggest failure?Staying in comfortability even when it wasn’t always good for me.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope….didn’t really get sick at all this year! YAY me! I’m awesome!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Probably my work shoes….they’re so old fashioned, yet they’re VERY comfortable….I love them!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Probably Nicka’s and Jen’s…their always GREAT.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

No one’s really. I may have been unhappy with a few peoples choices, but I am CLEARLY not gonna let them depress me…it’s SOOOO not that serious!

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills and Food…and an occasional drink ;-)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My Birthday. I always enjoy my birthday to the fullest.
HOMECOMING!!! Valdosta State’s Homecoming was SOOOO much fun! No other comments needed ;-)
Morehouse and Spelman’s homecoming always gives me life!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Every good album that came out this year!!! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…2008 WAS THE BEST MUSICAL YEAR EVER! Everybody dropped FIRE this year!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

- i. happier or sadder? MUCH Happier

- ii. thinner or fatter? Ha! Fatter…no comment!

- iii. richer or poorer? Pretty much the same….I’m hoping for an EXTREME financial boost in 2009!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Saved money, and maybe actually dated more….not screwed…dated.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Probably smoking, but I’ve kicked that habit though. Actually it wasn't really a habit, just something to do because I was bored....and of course at parties and such. Now that I think about it...I never really liked them. Oh wait...I told Nicka that a long time ago. Goodbye Djarum Black!

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Nope….I lived in love in 2008…lol

21. How many one-night stands?

None YAY ME!!!!

22. What was your favorite TV program?

CHARMED!!!! Can anyone help me find the episode where Pru dies???....and the one after.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope…I don’t waste my time hating. Its just NOT that damn serious!
24. What was the best book you read?

The Color Purple….I’ve read it countless times, but it never ceases to amaze me.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

BACKGROUND….everything about background…the vocalz, the music, the arrangements, the instruments…all that.

26. What did you want and get?

Good dick

27. What did you want and not get?

A bust-it baby! LMAO!

28. What were your favorite films of this year?

SEX AND THE CITY!!!! *faints*

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 26, and I had a whole weeks worth of fun with my real friends! I love them!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Probably a REAL relationship, but 2008 was all in all a really good year. I’ll put it like this….at least it wasn’t a 2006!

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Just Me!...nothing given nothing taken!

32. Who kept you sane?

DEFINITELY Nicka, Jen, DJ, and Renwick....do doubt about it! I love you guys! You ROCK!!! lol!

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Beyonce….she’s great…stop hatin. Sorry

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The 2008 Primaries! Yay Barack Obama!

35. Whom did you miss?

My Uncle Jesse

36. Who was the best new person(s) you met?

Samone….didn’t actually meet her this year, but I got close to her, and she’s the greatest!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

Make every moment count. Tell everyone you love that you love them because tomorrow’s really not promised.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

THE WHOLE BRANDY ALBUM!!!! *faints*

Goodbye 2008!
HELLO 2009!!!!

I'm Starting With the Man LOOKING at the Man in the Mirror....

A Summer's Disregard,

A Broken Bottle Top

And A One Man's Soul

They Follow Each Other OnThe Wind Ya' Know

'Cause They Got NowhereTo Go

That's Why I Want You ToKnow

I'm Starting With The Man InThe Mirror

I'm Asking Him To ChangeHis Ways

And No Message Could HaveBeen Any Clearer

If You Wanna Make The WorldA Better Place

Take A Look At Yourself,

AndThen Make A Change

-Michael Jackson: Man in the Mirror

Let me start this blog by saying that Brandy was PHENOMENAL!!!! I sincerely enjoyed the whole set...even Slim who I absolutely did not want to see!

Now on to real matters...
I often analyze myself....just to make sure that I'm still a good person, and that I'm someone who I'd like to hang around. So I was kind of shaken when this dude told me last week, upon me telling him that he doesn't have to lie, that I was mad because he "don't really have to do anything, and the only reason you don't like my answer is because you don't have to either. Please don't take that the wrong way". Ummm...what other way are you supposed to take that?

Anyhoo...so I got to analyzing immediately. I searched and searched myself to see if the only reason I do things for people is because I want something back. It took me almost a week to FINALLY come to the conclusion that I'd been trying to reach since I texted him back. Lots of times people do things for others, that they sometimes don't want to do, because they care about them. *lightbulb* It's just that simple. When you care about someone you sometimes make decisions just so that the people that they care about are a little happier. It can be as small as making an egg sandwich*hmph ;)* or as large as going out of your way to attend something that the person is having....whether you really want to be there or not. That seems to be common courtesy within my circle. Caring for someone is not simply a means to an end. You don't care about a person just so they'll care about you...that impossible. If they don't care...they just dont' care. That's the real answer.

Selah....
Just my thoughts on today.

Breathe....Just Breathe....I CAN'T!!!!

I'll just start this blog of by screaming to EVERYONE.....I'M GOING TO THE BRANDY CONCERT TONIGHT!!!!
I can't breathe....I can't breathe.....I can't breathe!!!!
I just can't believe it! My cuzzin got me tickets to see BRANDY in a private concert! I don't have words for this moment. 2008 has been the best!!!! OMG!!! I have had some majorly bad moments, but all in all I'M GOOD! I just can't believe it!

I will come back tomorrow with FULL commentary!

I bid you farewell *faints*

Camouflage

These flaws I got They're a part of who I am

Take me or not But I finally understand

And I’m so done trying to be everything you want

I had to stop 'Cause baby you ain’t worth it

If I've got to camouflage

For love, for love

-Brandy (Human-Camouflage 2008)

It's so funny to me how people really do affect what you say and do. Even if you just think about it momentarily, you've been effected. I am amazed at how this blog, which was first meant to be an outlet for my many many many thoughts, has become my new bondage. I feel like I can't really be honest about what I feel here, because people will still read it, and eventually comment about what I've said. Clearly if I wanted your verbal commentary I wouldn't have wasted my time, and my 50+ wpm to write it. This is my place. My outlet. Yes I am very blunt...when asked, and unemotional about a lot of things but sometimes I need to just let shit out too. That doesn't change my perspective on anything, it just makes me pause to make sure that I gave advise in the right way. I am a woman. We do get emotional, we do have bad days, we do love hard, we do get hurt(more often than not actually), and we do keep it pushing. Basically if you are coming here just to see if I'm going to say something about you then please feel free to not come here ever again. If you are coming here so that you're able to throw this shit up in my face later, then PLEASE feel free to permanently remove my blog address from you memory. I wanna say what I have to say. Sometimes I don't want to be grammatically correct, and sometimes I DO wanna talk about the fact that have loved a bullshit ass nigga, yes I said it BULLSHIT ASS NIGGA, and I can because it's my blog. If you know me personally treat this as if this really is someone you've never met, comment in the box, and we'll keep it pushing from there. This is my outlet, and I don't want to be confined here. There is absolutely no point in that.

Now that I've gotten that off of my chest.....

It's weird how people do honestly expect people to give/show love in the same way that they do. I know I'm guilty of it, and most people I know are guilty of it. However, there are just some things you do because its just common fuckin courtesy. If we are cool and I ask you to do something and you say no, then cool, but PULEEZE don't give me a bullshit ass reason that you didn't and then be rude to me if I call you on it. It's bullshit!!! Trying to turn it around on me won't make it not be bullshit. I take responsibility for my stupid decisions, and will let you have the fact that I make stupid decisions OFTEN in different parts of my life. I'm just saying what's the point of a friendship if I can only rely on you when I'm crying? That's just dumb. Shit...I want a friend when I'm happy too! I want a friend that celebrates me. I want a friend who I don't have to ALWAYS assume the worst about. I want to know that you do honestly care about me. I want a friend who won't make me feel like less of a person. I want a friend who actually HAS friends, and not just homeboys, homegirls, and folk!!! What the fuck is that? Could it be that yoy don't have friends because you don't know how to be friends. It's easy....just be NICE! I won't change me. I'm a pretty good person, flawed...yes, but pretty good. It's just in me to give to people. Give of myself, of my time, of my heart, of my talents, and of my money when I got it like that. I will not camouflage me. But I guess this just goes to show that I am your friend, but you CLEEEAAARLY are not mine. Cool....get some and keep it pushin.

W00-saaaaaaahhhh.

Okay I'm better now.

This ain't a deep blog, but it is how I was feeling.

Selah.

Just Fall....well....Maybe 8-/

It's not easy giving up trust

And not be scared a little bit?

Then your heart is questioning if you could really handle it

Don't wanna fall alone

So, will you catch me?

Save me?

And tell me I'll be safe right here

And if are you the one that's scared

So, baby come and fall right here

Just fall

-Brandy (Human:Fall)

What happens when your present reality is not real at all? What happens if what you taste, see, touch, FEEL is not real at all??? What happens then? Is it fair to tell someone that something that is SOOOO good to them is really bad? I don't think so.....but I just don't know.

Someone told me a story once about a girl who was completely in a relationship with this guy. He was everything that she wanted and needed. He was always there for her, and came whenever she called. Then....she found out that he had a GIRLFRIEND....*faints*....but mostly because him and they other girl had been together for so long. You see, from all points of her(as well as some of her friends) he love her. He really did love her. So she decided to stay. Who are we to condemn her for making a decision that works for her. If he is everything that she needs then who's to say that her reality is not really real? Again, if you can touch it, taste it, smell it, feel it, and CALL it(and it answers) then that's real for her.....right?

I had one of those not reality real moments this week. I got to spend some time with this guy that I kinda like. It's nothing major, but he's a cool dude. Because this was my birthday week I was in a pretty good mood, right until I went to work and they told me that I had to re-apply for my fucking job....but selah. So went to see my friend, just to spend some time. Normally we laugh, and joke, and watch TV, or drink or just do some ole random shit. This time we just layed. I wasn't in the best mood, I mean I did get partially fired, so I just played my NEW BRANDY CD for him. Sidenote: BRANDY IS A-FREAKIN-MAZING!!!! Back to the subject. So he's a pretty touchy-feely kind of a guy and that's part of what I like about him. Because I've known this guy for a little minute, even before we started kickin it, he automatically knew something was wrong with me. He pushed and pushed and pushed for answers but I didn't really feel like talking about it. So he told me to give him a hug. Now because I was laying on the sofa I just kinda half heartedly reached my arms out. He then came across the sofa and gently laid his head in the area between my breast and my neck, wrapped his arms around my body, and began to tell me that everything would be okay. I mean this was a VERY TV moment. As we laid there entangled together I began to breathe him in. This moment was so amazing. No distractions, no TV, no word needed, no thoughts of anyone else, just us. BUT....because I am who I am I couldn't fully take this in. The moment was everything I've ever wanted. This moment was the moment I see in my head when I think about my bf/husband....an intimate moment just for us. But in that I just couldn't get my mind to just be still and fully enjoy it. Because I always feel a need to protect myself I kept reminding myself that this person doesn't belong to me, that this moment is only gonna last for a minute and may never happen again...because he's not mine. So as I laid there, loving and hating the moment, I decided to just let it all go. At that moment that situation was my reality. What I felt was real, what I touched was real, what I smelled was real....it was a real moment....and I gave in to it. I laid there and held that man, and he held me. I kissed him like we would be together forever. I let him breathe me in, and enjoy the comfort of my arms. I was happy in that reality...