HOPE

Quote of the Day:

With Life Come Hope

So....I was all set and ready to write a blog today going off about what I will not tolerate in 2009....then, I was sitting outside with two of my co-workers and one of them was going on and on about how good God had been despite everything she had been thru in 2008. What she was saying was genuinely moving. Then she said "Yea stuff happened that could've taken me out, but it didn't because I still have life, and with life come hope". I am not the most religious person I know....Tot is, lol....but this really did stir something up in me. I want so much out of life, that doesn't really amount to much at all. I want to be in a REAL relationship...yes I want a title, shoot me for saying that. I want someone to call mine, NOT someone who calls someone else theirs but wants to make sure I'm still around. I want to get my job back(my company is restructuring)....and in getting my job back I want the $10,000 raise that comes with it. I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to provide for myself, both needs and wants. I want to be independant. I want to not struggle. I want love...real, honest love. Not a form of love, or a kind of love. I want actual love. I want to have a boyfriend, and at least hope that he likes/loves me enough to be faithful to me(uh oh....Karma), and itroduce me to his family. I want to get married, and have the hope that he's a great man who sincerely loves only me...which makes faithfulness and trust easier. I want to have kids. I want people to stop looking to me for answers and look past the shell I've learned to live as. I want to be a priority...and not just to Nicka(I love you Neek). I want me and Nicka to get DIVORCED!!!!(not as friends, but as the hetero life parters that everyone has grouped us to be). I want my sister to be sincerely happy, and not take her frustrations out on everyone else. I want people to stop being such assholes to her(stupid bastards). I want her to find that ONE....AND GET SOME....LOTS OF IT! I want to smile because life looks good, and not because you said something that will make me smile....until you INEVITABLY hurt my feelings again. I want a better relationship with God(uhhhh...just gotta do it). I want to not be afraid to be a woman. I want to be able to STOP having to man up all the time. I want to be emotional and not be afraid that you'll leave me because of it. I want to not be the best kept secret.....let me say that again....I WANT TO NOT BE THE BEST KEPT SECRET!!! I want all of the happiness that I have for others when good things happen to be reciprocated to me.....because something good happened. I want to not be ashamed of what I do, because it doesn't meet the IMPOSSIBLY high standards you've set....ONLY FOR ME! I want to be forgiven, and not the kind of forgiveness where I can still feel your hurt and anger towards me. I want to COMPLETELY forgive myself. I want to be someone's woman, friend, lover, and love. I want to write this book that everyone keeps going on and on about(I have no idea what it should be about). I want to stop being everyone's last resort. I want to stop being everyone's resting place. I want to stop being everyone's comfort zone. I want the people who see me as such to see me as more. I want to understand HOW I can be the person for you to rest with, but NOT the person for you to be with(please wake the fuck up and go home to your old girlfriend and her child! Sit on her sofa, slob on her pillow, talk to her momma, and give all of these explanations you're giving me, because I DON'T need them...whew!). I want to believe I'm gonna live a loooooong and fruitful life. I want more to live off of than hope. I want at least a few of my prayers answered(but that's in God's time....*faints*). I want to be what someone has been looking for all along. I want to NEVER hear again "I didn't mean to start liking you"....shit ain't been good since that day. I want it to NOT all be in my head. I want to be strong enough to walk away. I want people to look at me and say "I'm happy for her...she really deserves that". I want everyone to understand that I WANT THINGS TOO...and please don't try to make me believe that I shouldn't.

It seems like I'm constantly giving to make other people happy. I do this, because I honestly like to see people happy, and when you care about someone that's just what you do(in my book)...but I'm tired, completely worn out! :(

I say all of that to say I wanted to come in here today and write about how I wanted certain people to just leave me alone, and how I wanted people to stop dealing with me when its convenient for them, and lots of other things....but *lightbulb* WITH LIFE COMES HOPE, and today I am hopeful. I am hopeful that God see's my heart and honors it. I'm hoping that what he has for me is VERY VERY close. I'm hopeful that when I get it, I appreciate it in such an extreme way that HE knows that I can handle everything else he has in store.

I'm looking forward to the future, because I know good things are coming...and on top of all of that I'M ALIVE SO I CAN HAVE HOPE! :)

Yet pressing for better!